Understanding the Emotional Landscape of New Motherhood
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When stepping into motherhood, you often find yourself navigating two distinct perspectives. Depending on your personality, you may lean towards one view or strive for a balanced mix of both.
During my pregnancy, I was captivated by the joyful aspects of motherhood and the idealized images that accompanied it. I envisioned a successful career woman, a mother multitasking while nursing, and the heartwarming moments of closeness and love that come with a new baby. This overwhelming sense of affection for my child was deeply ingrained in my mind long before I conceived.
I had much to be thankful for during my pregnancy, especially since becoming a mother was a lifelong dream of mine. This dream seemed at risk when I learned I had PCOS, leading me to briefly doubt my ability to have children. However, I quickly regrouped and made it my goal to become pregnant, which I thankfully achieved.
Throughout my pregnancy, I was euphorically optimistic, indulging in every moment and savoring my meals. I floated through my workdays with a rosy outlook, preparing for my baby with enthusiasm and joy. Despite experiencing a somewhat traumatic labor, it was incredibly swift—lasting just one hour and nine minutes.
Then came the rush of oxytocin as I held my newborn. The flood of love I felt was indescribable and unforgettable. I vividly recall that night when our son was born, holding him while my husband dozed in the nearby chair. I was too exhilarated to set him down and rest. Even now, the memory brings tears to my eyes, as the gratitude I felt that night overshadows any negative feelings I’ve ever experienced.
Yet, it's essential to acknowledge that not all feelings during this time are positive. While the love I felt for my newborn was profound, I cannot ignore the presence of challenging emotions.
Here are the emotions that challenged my identity, along with my ongoing efforts to manage them as I prepare for the arrival of our second son.
Confusion
Confusion manifests in many ways during motherhood. I once found a dirty diaper in the laundry basket and later mistakenly put one through the washing machine. On another occasion, I unknowingly drove to my office instead of the supermarket with my baby in tow.
The well-known "mom brain" is very real. More seriously, I was bewildered when my maternal instinct didn’t kick in at crucial moments. For instance, when my baby wasn’t gaining weight, I failed to recognize that something was amiss, despite being told by health visitors to check his latch.
Ultimately, it turned out my milk supply was low, and my son had a tongue tie. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that the discomfort I was experiencing while breastfeeding was abnormal. Panic set in when I noticed my son’s thin arms, prompting me to contact his doctor. A lactation consultant confirmed the tongue tie, but the wait for treatment through the NHS was too long, so we opted for private care.
The guilt I felt for lacking the instinct that every mother supposedly has was overwhelming. I wished the health visitor had been more insistent; after all, my baby’s well-being was paramount.
Confusion can take many forms for new mothers. Not every mother feels an immediate bond with her baby, and it’s crucial to recognize that pressure to instantly fall in love is unnecessary. My husband, for example, felt a strong need to protect our son upon first holding him, but he didn’t experience that unconditional love right away. This is a conversation worth having to alleviate feelings of inadequacy among parents.
To manage confusion, I recommend expecting the unexpected. Embrace the full spectrum of emotions that accompany parenthood. Recognize that everyone’s experiences are valid and unique.
It's also vital to seek help; as a new mother, support is crucial. I set aside pride and reached out to a neighbor when my baby cried incessantly for an hour, and her presence made a significant difference to my day.
Guilt
Guilt is an emotion that can be hard to shake, and its sources evolve over time. Initially, I felt guilty about not spending enough time with my partner, but new forms of guilt soon emerged.
I transitioned from forgetting friends’ birthdays to struggling to soothe my crying baby and worrying about my parenting choices. I felt guilty if I didn’t immediately pick him up when he cried or if I needed to put him down for a shower. When he was fast asleep, I felt remorse for taking him to the doctor for his immunizations.
As he grew older, I grappled with guilt over needing time for myself, such as getting a haircut or simply wanting to sleep. Another unexpected guilt stemmed from my decision not to return to work full-time, especially during the pandemic, leading me to worry about letting down my employer and colleagues.
Now that my son is 2.5 years old, I’m learning to cope with guilt by reminding myself that perfection is unattainable and that I’m doing my best. What others think is irrelevant; what matters is how I view myself. By fostering a more positive mindset, I’ve found that guilt weighs less heavily on me. I focus on the fact that I deserve good things, just as anyone else does, and I’m learning to accept those joys without guilt.
Exhaustion
Exhaustion likely amplifies all other negative emotions. I experienced numerous symptoms associated with postnatal depression, which I attribute to sleep deprivation. The moment I started getting better sleep, I felt rejuvenated.
If you are struggling with your baby's sleep, I urge you to take action. Sacrificing your rest for your baby’s sleep can lead to significant issues for everyone involved. It’s easy to underestimate how detrimental this can be until it spirals out of control, negatively affecting relationships and personal identity.
I tried my best to co-sleep with my son but ended up utterly drained. When I attempted to foster his independence and failed, I felt hopeless. I didn’t realize the full impact of our sleep struggles until we embraced sleep training, which ultimately benefited everyone in the family.
Anger
Anger is a significant challenge in motherhood, as you may feel compelled to suppress it. However, unaddressed anger can manifest in various ways, including through physical actions or tone of voice.
For instance, I once shoved a pacifier into my baby's mouth out of frustration after he woke up for the umpteenth time. My husband didn't react sympathetically when I shared this, and while I hadn’t harmed my son, I had let my emotions dictate my actions. Recognizing this behavior made me realize the importance of addressing my anger to be the best parent I could be.
Admitting anger is healthy; it allows you to confront it. For me, this meant tackling our challenges, starting with sleep.
Sadness
Being eight months pregnant has made me more emotional than usual, but that doesn’t excuse impulsive reactions.
Recently, I was in the car with my son, on the phone trying to book an appointment. Frustration built up, causing my voice to crack, and tears welled in my eyes. My son, sitting behind me, asked, “Mummy, are you sad?” His ability to recognize my emotion was both heartwarming and concerning.
It’s crucial for children to understand emotions to develop empathy. I reassured him that while I was feeling a little sad, I was overall okay. We shared some snacks together, which lightened the mood.
Sadness is part of life, and learning to navigate it is essential for being an effective mother, even during difficult times.
Final Thoughts
I’ve become increasingly attuned to my emotions in hopes of teaching my son how to cope with his feelings. Every new parent encounters challenges, and recognizing these emotions is vital for managing them effectively.
By acknowledging your feelings as they arise, you can validate and address them rather than allowing them to overwhelm you. Taking a moment to detach from your emotions grants you the perspective needed to tackle them with a plan. This empowers you to manage your feelings, ultimately benefiting your child as they learn to regulate their own emotions.
Remember, if you’re a parent: you’ve got this.