I recently found myself in a situation where a woman I frequently see at swing dance events has sparked my interest. Although we’ve shared some enjoyable moments together over the past few months, I haven’t taken the step to express my feelings. My hesitation stems primarily from anxiety and uncertainty about how she feels.

On one hand, I haven’t observed any obvious signs that she is interested in me romantically. Yet, she seems comfortable chatting and dancing with me, which leaves me unsure about her true feelings. Many people might encourage me to take the plunge and ask her out, but there’s a significant concern that weighs heavily on my mind.

In various conversations within the swing dance community, I’ve noticed a recurring theme: a strong disapproval of dating within the scene. Some women have openly stated that even minimal flirting can lead to discomfort and warnings to others about the individual involved. Additionally, I’m aware of a local swing dance group that explicitly prohibits seeking romantic connections, emphasizing that the dance floor should be a space for enjoyment, not dating. While this rule doesn’t apply directly to the event I attend, there is overlap in attendees, making me particularly cautious. I genuinely love swing dancing and would hate to face repercussions for unintentionally breaching this unspoken guideline. This fear also extends to discussing my feelings with mutual friends.

So, I seek your advice: Should I continue pursuing this connection? If so, how should I go about it?

Swing Kid

This is an intriguing dilemma, SK, with various facets to consider.

First, let’s address the key question: Should you ask her out? Given your concerns and the information shared, I would advise against it for now. This isn’t necessarily about potential fallout, but rather the apparent lack of mutual interest.

That said, I believe asking her out wouldn’t lead to disastrous consequences. Many fears surrounding this issue are often exaggerated. A lot of anxieties stem from social media narratives that paint interactions between men and women in a negative light.

It’s important to recognize that while there are numerous complaints about unwanted advances, they don’t represent the majority of social interactions. Many people engage without any ulterior motives, seeking genuine connections based on shared interests—like swing dancing.

Returning to your situation, it seems that the interest isn’t fully reciprocated. Although you’ve enjoyed conversations and dancing together, there’s little indication she desires anything beyond that. It may well develop over time, but for now, it’s prudent to ease off on pursuing her romantically.

Now, regarding your worries about being ostracized for flirting or asking someone out—this largely depends on context. The community has understandably become wary of individuals who treat it as a dating pool rather than a space for shared interests. It’s not that socializing is forbidden, but rather that there are expectations to respect.

However, if you genuinely connect with someone over time and decide to ask them out, it’s unlikely to provoke negative reactions, provided it’s done respectfully.

To navigate this delicate situation, focus on building friendships and connections outside of the dance floor. This approach allows you to establish a rapport without crossing any unspoken boundaries. If you find someone you click with, suggesting a casual hangout outside of the event could be a good way to gauge mutual interest without the pressure of the dance environment.

Additionally, it’s essential to handle rejection gracefully. If the person you’re interested in isn’t reciprocating, maintaining a friendly demeanor will ease any potential awkwardness. Show through your actions that you respect their decision and are still open to friendship.

Good luck!

Hello Doc,

My girlfriend and I are eager to explore new experiences in our intimate lives, and we’re considering the possibility of a threesome.

We’re a straight couple, and since my girlfriend is bisexual, we naturally lean toward finding a female partner. However, we’re uncertain about how to approach this: we’ve looked at dating apps and even considered creating a profile as a couple, but we’re struggling with the ethical implications of “unicorn hunting.” We’re not looking for a romantic relationship outside our partnership, but initiating this journey feels daunting.

Thank you for your help.

Hunting Party

To be honest, HP, I find the term “unicorn” rather frustrating. It implies something mythical rather than acknowledging the existence of women who may be interested in joining a hetero couple. However, that’s just my personal take.

You’re correct in noting that many straight couples seeking bi or pan women can come off as exploitative. Often, they view potential partners as mere additions to their relationship instead of considering them as individuals. This is particularly disheartening for those in the LGBTQ community.

Wanting a threesome isn’t inherently wrong, but the approach is crucial. Here are some ethical ways to seek a third party:

1. Consider Hiring a Professional: Engaging a sex worker who is open to threesomes can eliminate many complications. They understand the dynamics and are compensated for their time, which can minimize awkwardness afterward. Ensure you clarify what you’re looking for before the encounter.
2. Reach Out to Exes: Sometimes, a past partner can be the perfect candidate. If you or your girlfriend have maintained a good relationship with an ex who is open to adventures, it could lead to a more comfortable experience.
3. Let Interested Parties Approach You: By clearly communicating your interests, you can allow potential partners to express their willingness without the pressure of persuasion. This can foster a more respectful and consensual interaction.

Choosing the right platform for finding a third can also make a difference. While mainstream apps like Tinder might not cater to your needs, there are alternatives aimed at non-monogamous individuals, where you can connect with those open to the idea of joining your relationship.

When you do find someone, consider meeting in a casual setting first to ensure compatibility and discuss boundaries before any intimate encounters. Establishing ground rules is vital, especially for first-time experiences, to avoid any discomfort.

Creating a comfortable environment, such as booking a hotel room with two beds, can also help mitigate any post-encounter awkwardness.

I encourage others in the LGBTQ community to share their experiences to enrich this dialogue. Wishing you the best on your new adventure!

Good luck!