Chapter 1: The Magic of Connection

In this piece, I delve into the enchanting and scientific aspects of love, and what contributes to a thriving romantic partnership.

You entered the room late, the last one to join, wearing your librarian glasses and a striking, yet somehow alluring cranberry sweater. As you descended the three steps into the lobby of the conference meet-and-greet, my life was irrevocably altered.

I experienced a profound infatuation, electricity coursing through me. The next day—remember?—in a conference room where seats were assigned, yours fortuitously ended up next to mine. You were late, of course. I pride myself on punctuality. For the next hour, my eyes were fixated on your right hand, while you were later to reveal that you were captivated by my left forearm. The previous evening, we had felt that same electric spark when we stood back-to-back, mingling with others, both wishing we could be talking to the same person: each other.

While I don’t recall every detail of our conversations that week, they were everything. It felt like reconnecting with an old, cherished friend. That was the essence of love.

Departing the conference to return home was a heart-wrenching experience. You reached out first (apologies for my delay). Just months later, I left my job and relocated to Philadelphia to be with you. Amidst the whirlwind of ecstasy and frustration, we cultivated a mantra that has guided us through challenges: "See you on the other side."

Thus began our 25-year journey through joy and sorrow, struggle and triumph, frustration and anger—an emotional tapestry reflective of any meaningful relationship. Throughout this time, I yearned to proclaim our love from the rooftops, but that was never our style. We never believed that anyone else could truly understand the extraordinary fortune of our love.

Chapter 2: The Science Behind Love

Since I’m a science writer, it’s only natural that I want to explore the biological mechanics of love, especially those that might shed light on our relationship, or offer insights to couples facing difficulties. I've been researching, and here’s a brief overview:

Helen Fisher, PhD, renowned author of Why We Love and a specialist in human sexuality and relationships, provides a scientific framework for understanding romantic love through three distinct phases, each influenced by different hormones:

1. Desire: This phase is driven by basic sexual attraction, with testosterone and estrogen playing pivotal roles, motivating two people toward procreation.
2. Attraction: While you can experience attraction without lust, Fisher notes that dopamine and norepinephrine surge during both sexual encounters and when you’re simply enjoying someone’s company.
3. Attachment: In this stage, the brain releases oxytocin and vasopressin (often called the cuddle hormone), indicative of deeper, lasting bonds that aren't solely reliant on lust or attraction.

Although the biology behind love is fascinating, it doesn’t capture the essence of what I feel for you after all these years. I’ll share more scientific insights below, but first, let’s talk about the unique qualities that bind us, shaped by our past but more significantly by our incredible present and the promise of a beautiful future.

I’m still captivated by you, my love. While I’m not fond of the term lust, I defer to Fisher's expertise. The spark still ignites when I catch sight of you from across a room, wanting nothing more than to bridge the distance between us. Thankfully, the attraction and attachment took root quickly back then, as we navigated the complex emotions and trials that come with any substantial relationship.

How many times have we each felt the urge to escape, even momentarily, yet were overwhelmed by the feelings of attraction and attachment?

Despite this, there is so much more to our bond than hormonal chemistry. After revisiting the science of love, I don’t claim to know the universal keys to a successful romantic relationship. However, I believe I understand how we’ve thrived together—not as a series of endurance tests, but rather through exhilarating sprints, challenging climbs, and bewildering descents. We didn’t arrive here because everything was simple, nor because either of us is easy to deal with. I can be quite the handful; you can be a challenge too. I’m driven, while you often focus on the journey. I’m content with adequacy, while you strive for perfection. I’m punctual; you often are not.

So, what sustains the various facets of our love—from infatuation to deep admiration? How have we made it this far? How did we endure all those trying times?

It certainly wasn’t about small gestures like holding doors or washing dishes, nor about obligatory gifts on Valentine’s Day or other socially constructed celebrations. I consider myself fortunate in this regard—you’ve never expected flowers, jewelry, or those dreadful chocolates nor have we ever felt pressured into dining at overcrowded fancy restaurants.

I was relieved when you were equally glad to discover I’m not a fan of birthday celebrations, meaning we never wasted time or money on the awkwardness of routine gift-giving. It’s not that we don’t do nice things for one another; it’s just that they’re not dictated by societal norms. I truly appreciate this aspect of our relationship. Our approach may lack the conventional glue of customs, and I respect those who cherish traditional displays of affection, but the spontaneity in how we express our feelings for each other always feels genuine, never contrived, and is special in its unpredictability.

We might be considered an unconventional couple. I think many people feel they don’t quite know how to navigate relationships and assume that the lovey-dovey pairs on social media have it all figured out. Regardless, I suspect that our way wouldn’t suit many couples.

For instance, we routinely forget our anniversary! Or, more accurately, we don’t stress about commemorating that clear, delightful November day when I picked up your kids from school, you took an hour off work, and we met at City Hall to tie the knot. Our ceremony (or lack thereof—lasting just a minute or two) is forever etched in my memory as a perfectly executed day in the life of a modern couple juggling contemporary pressures of work and family. Our day. Our way.

I also recall this past November 8th, when you shared a message on Facebook along with a snapshot of our marriage certificate, certified roughly 25 years earlier:

“Oh my god, Robert, we did it again. It was 3 days ago! Maybe we should just change it to Nov 8th! Here’s to us that we have never once remembered. And have never once been sad or angry about it. May we miss many, many more.”

Chapter 3: Cherishing Every Moment

It's not that we lack respect for our history. I fondly recall our first night alone together under a full moon. Each full moon since has been an opportunity to hold your hand, stop the world for a moment, and reflect on the incredible chance we had to find each other amidst randomness, putting in the effort to truly know one another—flaws and all—and choosing to stay together without regrets.

Our marriage is far from perfect. We’ve had our share of frustrations, perhaps argued more than needed, and occasionally walked away in silence. Sometimes, we needed to create space between us for an hour or a day. Yet those separations are always brief. Space can be beneficial—just not for long periods. Although our marriage certificate is, in one sense, merely a piece of paper, in hindsight, I could claim it might as well have been carved in stone.

We don’t remain together because of the marriage itself; we are married because we choose to stay together.

A point worth mentioning comes from Gail Post, PhD, a clinical psychologist and writer whose insightful articles I edit for Wise & Well. She notes, “While a bit of luck and good fortune might seem like the glue that binds couples, in my experience, a substantial dose of flexibility, kindness, openness to change, and reasonable expectations is crucial, along with a commitment to weather hard times together.”

I’m aware that I haven’t always lived up to those standards, as you know well. Nevertheless, we’ve managed, and I submit that we’ve both demonstrated remarkable patience, understanding, and flexibility as we navigate our insecurities. Thank you for your support during my darker moments when I might have jeopardized the magic that is our love.

The allure of love may seem less enchanting when viewed through the lens of evolutionary psychology, where a trio of experts frame it as nature's strategy to help you quickly identify a suitable partner rather than search endlessly for the perfect match. “Love’s enchantment serves evolution’s practical purpose of ensuring the continuation of our genes, rather than leading to happiness or an accurate perception of reality,” they assert.

While there’s some validity to this perspective, I also believe we did remarkably well in finding our ideal partners, regardless of evolutionary pressures.

Beyond the science and magic, we’ve learned that our relationship relies not only on joyous moments but also on the ability to handle tough times without treating one another poorly. Research supports this notion.

Pioneering studies on couples dating back to the 1970s, led by John Gottman, PhD, followed diverse couples over two decades to examine how and why their relationships endured or dissolved. Insights from Gottman and his team could predict, with 80% to 90% accuracy, whether couples would divorce and whether they would experience happiness or discontent over time.

Here are key findings from over 50 years of research involving more than 40,000 couples, who participated in interviews, were recorded on video, and had various physiological responses measured—from blood pressure to skin temperature—during both normal interactions and disagreements with their partners:

1. Approximately 69% of relationship issues remain unresolved, partly because couples become entrenched in their patterns. Over three years, 80% of how two people handle conflicts tends to remain unchanged, suggesting their problems become perpetual.
2. The nature of argumentation in the first three minutes of a conflict discussion can predict with 96% accuracy whether a couple is at low or high risk for divorce.
3. In stable, happy relationships during conflicts, the ratio of positive emotions (like affection and humor) to negative emotions (disappointment and anger) is a staggering 5:1. Couples with a roughly equal balance of positive and negative emotions during disputes generally struggle in the relationship department.

One significant insight from Gottman’s research is perhaps the closest thing to a scientifically validated key to a successful romantic relationship: happy, stable heterosexual marriages rely heavily on a man’s emotional intelligence—specifically, his capacity to accept influence from his partner. While this may sound like outdated advice, it remains relevant today. Research indicates that same-sex couples often excel in this area compared to heterosexual couples, leading researcher Kyle Benson to suggest that straight husbands could learn a lot from their gay counterparts.

Emotional intelligence involves the ability to understand and manage one’s feelings constructively. This quality is an aspect of wisdom and essential for success in any relationship—romantic or otherwise. We could all benefit from enhancing our EQ. You possess a great deal of it; I’m still working on mine.

Effective communication is, of course, vital for the survival of relationships, romantic or otherwise. Gottman and his team identified four destructive behaviors they refer to as the "Four Horsemen" (after the biblical allegory) and how to counteract them:

1. Criticism: Instead of launching into a complaint, express your feelings about the situation.
2. Contempt: Maintain respect; refrain from demeaning or belittling your partner.
3. Defensiveness: While it’s natural to feel defensive, strive to avoid excuses or deflecting blame, which escalates conflict.
4. Stonewalling: It’s common to withdraw in frustration. However, when you stop responding, it stifles rational discussions. If you need to pause, proactively communicate that you need a break rather than simply walking away.

These principles resonate with me. If I might interpret this further: while addressing these communication challenges can be difficult in the heat of the moment, applying the Golden Rule could serve us well. We’ve improved in this regard. I appreciate how we agreed not to start responses with “but.” Our conversations flow more smoothly without that word.

Certainly, we experience anger, but as the Gottman team found, it’s not the anger itself that damages relationships, but rather how we address and express it. Their research has shown that my habit of “going to bed angry” isn’t necessarily detrimental. To test this, they interrupted couples mid-argument and had them read magazines for half an hour. Upon reconvening, couples reported calmer, more rational communication.

“Rather than viewing it as an inconvenience, taking a break when feeling overwhelmed during a disagreement has been beneficial, even if it means sleeping on it,” explain romantic couple David and Constantino Khalaf, contributors to Gottman’s Love Lab and co-authors of Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage.

As a reminder: if you choose to sleep on it, let your partner know you’re just taking a break and not ignoring the issue.

Ultimately, Gottman identified three essential elements for successful relationships, especially during conflicts: Trust, Commitment, and Calmness.

“The couples whose heart rates were lower, whose blood was flowing less quickly, and who weren’t sweating as much—those individuals might have seemed rather boring, but they had excellent relationships,” he noted. “They treated each other gently, not with hostility, and provided reassurance.”

This is encouraging for me. You’ve occasionally called me somewhat boring. Perhaps that’s why our marriage thrives. Just kidding. Not kidding.

Putting all this advice into practice is certainly easier said than done, as we both know—especially when life’s pressures from work, family, and financial burdens become overwhelming, and you (or I) just want to retreat into isolation.

Research from other studies aligns with this reality, particularly regarding how relationships can falter during midlife.

“One study on married couples in their 30s and 40s discovered a decline in marital quality over a year, in terms of love, passion, satisfaction, intimacy, and commitment,” writes Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., PhD, a relationship scientist and psychology professor at Monmouth University, in The Conversation. “Too often, individuals resign themselves to this being the norm. It’s justifiable to switch to relationship autopilot when you’re pressed for time, low on energy, and need to prioritize work and children.”

Lewandowski offers valuable insights that you and I have learned through experience:

1. View boredom as a warning sign that the relationship needs rejuvenation. Engage in enjoyable activities together.
2. Continue dating, participate in new and challenging experiences, and never stop striving to recapture the magic.
3. Focus on the positives in the relationship, as dwelling on problems only reinforces them.

I would add: Be patient. Midlife can be challenging. Yet as life circumstances evolve, responsibilities often diminish, while perspective and wisdom increase. Statistically, older individuals report greater happiness. You and I have certainly enjoyed some of that later-in-life ease and joy. Problems persist, but we’re increasingly adept at navigating life’s turbulent waters, wouldn’t you agree?

Chapter 4: Celebrating Our Family

When I first met your children, I fell in love with them instantly. Then we created a wonderful third child together. Life has transformed since they all grew up and moved out, leaving us feeling a bit empty at times. Yet, we remain married!

The kids have been the greatest joys of my life. You’re certainly not disposable, but those children tested our patience consistently. They can strain a romantic relationship, and ours certainly faced challenges due to parenting. However, the shared experience of raising those three remarkable individuals ultimately strengthened our marriage. They occasionally served as the glue—or distraction—that helped us through sadness, struggle, frustration, and all the other emotions that define a solid relationship.

Considering all the science of love, I’ve come to understand the actions, reactions, and mindsets that have bound us together since that moment of serendipity—the love-at-first-sight instant that lingers like the fragrance of an eternal rose. We’ve learned to apply duct tape and epoxy during rough patches, yet I can now grasp the foundational cement and rebar of our relationship—the bedrock that has supported it through a quarter-century.

I don’t presume these cornerstones of our love are universally applicable, but it’s time I shout these virtues from the virtual rooftops.

1. Togetherness: We genuinely enjoy each other’s company—most of the time. I treasure our shared experiences—hiking, traveling, collaborating, dreaming together. After all these years, you remain my best friend. I love you profoundly. I cherish you. You occasionally drive me to distraction.
2. Time Apart: We’ve always respected one another's need for independence—professionally, recreationally, or simply when solitude is required. We give each other space and don’t feel compelled to “make each other happy” or resolve every issue that arises. Our need for solitude ultimately draws us closer. It took us years to realize that we shouldn’t expect anyone else to be accountable for our individual happiness. Lewandowski would applaud this: “Some people easily fall into the self-sacrificing martyr role in relationships,” he explains. “If this resonates with you, focus more on yourself. It doesn’t imply you’re a bad person or partner. When you’re emotionally healthy, your partner and relationship also benefit.”
3. Mutual Respect: I was impressed from the outset by your achievements, work ethic, and caring nature. You have a rhythm that was initially unfamiliar to me, and now it’s a favorite. At times, I can only observe. My groove is different. You’ve expressed that you don’t always understand me, but you allow our differences to work in our favor instead of creating distance. We respect each other’s aspirations, quirks, and mistakes. Even when we don’t fully comprehend one another, we value each other. We complement each other in many endeavors. There’s an element of opposites attracting, but it’s more about respecting our differences than the differences themselves. Interestingly, research has shown that in over 80% of 22 analyzed human traits—from political views to substance use—partners tend to align more than diverge.
4. Modest Expectations: Sometimes, I hold unrealistic expectations of you. I often want you to lean on me, yet as you’ve learned, my shoulder isn’t always available when you need it. I can be quite foolish, failing to support you when you require it most. But we both try. We don’t anticipate walking on sunshine all the time. Life is inherently challenging. We often find joy together, but we also experience sadness, anger, or just a sense of blah. We acknowledge that this is entirely normal and don’t resist it. Happiness isn’t a constant state, as Aristotle noted; it’s a dynamic process. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness, defines happiness as "the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with the sense that one’s life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile." It’s not a daily commitment; rather, it’s a fleeting emotion to be cherished whenever it arises. You bring me immense joy, but not all the time. And that’s perfectly fine.
5. Necessary Apologies: I learned the phrase, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” from Ali MacGraw’s character in Love Story when she addressed Ryan O’Neal. As a child, it seemed romantic. However, it’s utter nonsense. We’ve both done thoughtless and hurtful things that warranted apologies. Me especially. While we all crave to hear “I love you” from our partners, in our most challenging moments, the most crucial two words are simply, “I’m sorry.”

Beyond the science, I want to express how thankful I am that we value and celebrate our love without conforming to societal norms or expectations. We honor our relationship whenever and however we choose. We embrace our love in times of triumph and challenge.

We learned early on that joy and sorrow ebb and flow, that struggles lead to victories, that frustration and anger are temporary, and that all the emotions and challenges inherent in a solid relationship are normal and necessary. We respect one another and grant each other the freedom to be our true selves, rather than longing for unrealistic, artificial ideals of what we desire from a partner, spouse, or best friend.

When faced with significant change or challenge, be it exhilarating or daunting, we trust in the foundations of our love and reassure each other—whether side by side or oceans apart—with these simple words: “See you on the other side.”

This video titled "A love letter to my wife! Just what's kept them together for years" offers a heartfelt look into the dynamics of a lasting relationship and the emotional journey couples undergo through the years.

The video titled "Letter to my wife" is a touching tribute exploring the depth of love and commitment that sustains a marriage over time.