Finding Light Amidst Darkness: My Journey of Healing
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Chapter 1: The Journey Begins
This narrative represents my battle with inner darkness. It illustrates how I illuminated some of the bleakest moments in my life. Though I penned this a decade ago, it continues to resonate with me today. I appreciate your willingness to engage with my story.
"The last stage of confronting darkness involves embracing forgiveness."
Do you perceive my existence as flawless or enchanted? Absolutely not. It often resembles chaos, despair, anxiety, and profound sadness—an endless pit of fear and isolation. It was a harrowing experience, one that felt like relentless torture.
From the age of four until I turned fifteen, I endured physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. I believed there was something inherently wrong with me. Trust was shattered before I even learned to establish it. My world transitioned from black and white to a disorienting gray. No child should have to suffer such loss. Yet, I did—time and time again.
It wasn't until I reached eighteen that I found the courage to voice my experiences. I confided in my girlfriend, who later became my wife, but I was oblivious to the fact that I had been abused. It was she who had to reveal that truth to me. The only thing I could think to do was contact my mother. I asked her three pressing questions daily, starting with, "What the hell?" When I finally shared my story, her response was, "It's okay," which was the last thing I wanted to hear. Nothing about it was okay; it felt like a waking nightmare. After that conversation, I severed ties with my family for a decade—ten years of silence. I have a deep understanding of the anguish that silence can inflict.
Hell, Layer 2: The Depth of Suffering
Ten years passed without any form of communication with my family. My mother observed me graduate from college online, while I received no letters, texts, or phone calls. It was a decision I made out of a sense of justified vengeance for the wrongs I had suffered, even though none of my immediate family was aware of my pain. This estrangement deeply affected my spiritual beliefs, leaving me feeling disconnected. Each night, I would talk to the ceiling, expressing my disbelief, "If you exist, why did you allow this? You never responded to me. I hate you."
During this decade of silence—an experience that now makes me sensitive to quietness—I pursued education. I managed to enroll at Creighton University, where I developed a passion for Philosophy and immersed myself in English studies due to my love of writing. I was drawn to Theology, fueled by an abundance of questions, and I eventually added Biology to have a practical foundation.
I married my high school sweetheart, both of us navigating the complexities of our differences. I was extroverted; she was introverted. I hailed from a large family with financial struggles, while she was an only child from a more affluent background. Despite our contrasting upbringings, we found common ground in our unique brand of craziness. We married young, pursued education, and evolved into different people. Change, however, often leads to a drift. We agreed to communicate if someone else entered our lives, but what I saw as infidelity, she viewed as finding someone else. The reality was that we simply grew apart due to a lack of communication and took each other for granted.
My academic journey took a turn when I failed out of pharmacy school—a shocking experience for me. I withdrew without a job, without a home, and on the verge of bankruptcy, facing yet another level of Hell that dwarfed my previous struggles.
Hell, Layer 3: Discovering a Path Through the Abyss
With my life in shambles—divorced, jobless, and broke—I did what anyone would: I took what I could fit into my Honda Civic and found a weekly hotel in Omaha. I had previously been judgmental about the homeless population there, but soon realized that many of them lived in the same circumstances. I lived in a male-only section of the hotel, and my room was sparse, merely a mattress and a dresser. Cleanliness had always been a priority for me, so I found it challenging to adjust to my new reality.
With no refrigerator or microwave, I had to ration my food carefully. A jar of peanut butter and a bag of beef jerky had to last me three weeks. I scavenged for spare change and relied on inexpensive Ramen noodles, which I cooked in my coffee pot. For a while, I managed with the bare minimum, leading me to the next layer of my Hell.
Hell, Layer 4: The Illusion of Stability
This stage felt misleadingly better; I had two jobs, was working non-stop, and had moved into my own apartment. I even reunited with my dogs, and for a moment, life seemed to improve. Yet, the irony was that I worked every holiday and missed out on family reunions.
My routine was exhausting—waking at 7 a.m. for my first job, returning home to care for my dogs, then heading to my second job until the early hours of the morning. Despite my efforts, I never seemed to get ahead. I realized something was amiss when I looked at my dogs and recognized that I had caged their joy and freedom. I spent my earnings trying to recover from bankruptcy after my divorce but could never catch up.
Job cuts and schedule changes left me starving again, and I prioritized my dogs' needs over my own. I resorted to rationing my meals, which left me dizzy and fatigued. Eventually, I reached a breaking point, leading me to ask my mother for help with my dogs. The transition from two jobs to one was rocky; I was involved in a car accident, losing my vehicle, which added to my struggles.
Hell, Layer 5: The Emergence of Hope
By this stage, my life felt utterly chaotic. Graphing my experiences would reveal a series of alarming lows juxtaposed with fleeting highs. Yet, I persevered. I found solace in holistic health, and during a significant meditation, I felt the presence of an Angel guiding me through my choices. This experience illuminated the path forward, leading me to a spiritual healer.
I learned to understand the darkness I had been avoiding. As I embraced the challenges of life, I found myself uprooted once more, this time to Des Moines, with my car repossessed shortly thereafter.
Hell, Layer 6: The Light's Power
Before my departure from Omaha, two clients referred to me as an Angel—specifically, the Archangel Raphael. At first, I was skeptical, yet it sparked a new understanding within me. Reflecting on my life, I saw a thread of guidance that had been present all along, even when I had chosen not to acknowledge it. My heart began to comprehend what my logical mind struggled to grasp.
Arriving in Iowa, I was financially destitute but rich in spirit. I connected with others who had also faced trials, and together we explored our paths of healing. As I delved deeper into my darkness, I discovered newfound faith.
Hell, Layer 7: Clearing Away the Cobwebs
As I revisited my past, I gained clarity on how my experiences shaped me. I learned by observing my former self, recognizing how different my choices would be today. Everything finally fell into place—strong friendships, a supportive family, and improved financial stability began to emerge.
However, enlightenment doesn't exempt one from ongoing responsibilities. Before achieving true understanding, one must continue the work. If we neglect our duties post-enlightenment, we risk repeating the cycle.
Having traversed my own Hell repeatedly, I have gleaned many lessons. This journey is why I choose to guide others—not solely for their benefit but for mine as well. Walking through Hell can feel isolating, and I see this process as building connections with others who share similar struggles.
Thank you for allowing me to share my experiences. This work is vital. It's time to let go of past pains and make space for fresh, exciting opportunities. While my journey may have appeared bleak at times, it was also filled with miracles and the presence of Angels—true manifestations of light amid darkness.
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