Chapter 1: The Illusion of Perfect Love

The notion of an ideal family often crumbles when examined closely.

I can't pinpoint the origin of the phrase, but it resonates with me. It's a thought that emerged one day, and I doubt I'm the only one who has pondered it. Personally, I have only encountered that "everlasting love" depicted in literature within the pages of those very books. In reality, I've seldom observed it. Many couples who appear harmonious from a distance likely harbor their own conflicts or have long since extinguished their once-vibrant feelings.

Do you ever feel misled by popular culture?

It seems we might all be caught in a web of illusions. If you disagree, I ask you to withhold judgment and allow me to present my perspective. To those who resonate with this sentiment, welcome.

Proponents of true love will argue that passion is merely chemistry, while genuine love is built on mutual respect and compassion. I would counter that even that essence is rooted in chemistry, albeit of a different kind.

At our core, we are all composed of chemical reactions. Our experiences are shaped by electrical impulses and various neurotransmitters. This may sound unromantic and somewhat devoid of spirit, reflecting a stark reality that can be hard to accept.

Yet, I still believe in the existence of true love. At the very least, the bond between a parent and child embodies a form of unconditional love. This affection can approach an ideal state, free of stipulations. Still, even this can feel overwhelming at times.

Could it be that we could learn to cultivate unconditional love as a skill? What if we could discover a definitive approach to achieving it?

Or perhaps we will come to realize that our beliefs about love are simply misguided. Is love really about the individual?

By focusing on self-improvement, can one truly master the art of love?

The better you are as a person, does that equate to a more profound love?

This notion is compelling, but let’s not overlook the crucial aspect of intimacy. And, no, I’m not discussing parental love here.

If a trusting and respectful partnership can be established, doesn’t that imply that passion still exists?

True love advocates might assert that sexual desire is not crucial. Some may say this while returning to lives filled with unfulfillment. The love persists, undeniably, but the desire has waned, creating a dilemma. What does love truly signify then?

Romantic Love: Stage 1 - Euphoria

At the onset of a relationship, physical attraction often runs high. When interests align, and life goals and spiritual values are in sync, one may find themselves disoriented, losing sight of reality. This state can be likened to being under the influence of a powerful substance; the brain fails to operate normally, overlooking potential red flags while donning rose-colored glasses.

"Love is Blind," people often claim.

Is this love?

Certainly, if mutual, it can be an exhilarating experience. You may wish to immerse yourself completely in it.

It's curious why individuals assert that this type of love isn't genuine. They all acknowledge it as the most enjoyable phase. Yet, passion can leave devastation in its wake. It is not something we construct or earn; it arrives effortlessly, beyond our control.

Does this imply that if it is beyond our control, it is not authentic? Is this the reason we label it as "fake"?

Unrequited Love: Is It Love?

When love is one-sided, it can easily morph into obsession. The absence of the beloved can lead to torment, prompting individuals to engage in actions that are far from rational: from self-harm to stalking, and even more severe acts.

Is this love?

For some, it may be easy to declare that it isn't. However, if you've ever experienced unrequited love, you might reconsider.

I don't equate obsession with gentle unreciprocated love; however, I see them as varying intensities of the same emotion.

This brings me back to a recurring question: the better person you are, does that make your love more perfect?

As we grow emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually, the extreme expressions of our feelings may diminish, paving the way for more balanced forms.

Romantic Love: Stage 2 - Crisis

Let’s envision a couple that has been together for a decade. The initial fervor has faded. They likely still love and respect one another, but what about their sexual desire?

Is it reasonable to continually suppress it?

Shouldn’t society explore new familial structures?

The truth is, passion is not everlasting. It diminishes for both men and women.

Infidelities are often devastating, even in relationships where love has cooled. A pertinent question arises: should we remain in an unhappy union, or pursue personal happiness at the cost of the relationship?

What if the pain caused by infidelity stemmed from our possessiveness over our partners?

Consider this.

Romantic Love: Stage 3 - Overcoming Crisis

Fostering mutual understanding and openness can undoubtedly enhance relationships. Yet, reigniting the selfless affection that once brought joy is a feat few achieve.

True love is often described as a feeling of spiritual unity, where life goals and values coexist harmoniously, characterized by mutual motivation, support, trust, and respect.

But I wonder: how long does this last?

Realistically, evolving alongside another person over many years is a daunting challenge. However, I've come to realize that this varies among individuals.

For instance, my parents have a low need for novelty. They reside in the same small town where they were born, maintaining lifelong friendships from school and stable jobs for decades. They have been together for 30 years.

Is their love infused with deep spiritual meaning? I want to believe that it is.

Conversely, I seem to have inherited the traits of a seeker. Change is the driving force in my life. Within my nearly 30 years, I've explored various fields, emigrated, and reinvented my social circle multiple times.

Yet, I still grapple with the concept of true love.

Could it be that our pursuit of novelty plays a role in this?

It’s a well-established fact that genetic variations exist between those who crave change and those who do not. If you’re intrigued by this topic, I recommend exploring the works of Colin G. DeYoung, Jaak Panksepp, and Richard P. Ebstein.

In our bodies, there are systems such as the dopamine receptor system and the serotonin transport system that influence personality traits and behaviors related to novelty-seeking. Who knows how many more such systems await discovery?

Does this imply that novelty seekers will remain forever trapped in their quest for true love due to their genetic makeup?

Ironically, this contemplation about love has led me to a profound question about existence:

ARE WE SIMPLY PROGRAMMED?

What underlies our essence? If indeed we have one… Are we merely a program?

Why is it that some individuals seem incapable of finding love, while others cannot experience it at all (let’s not overlook the existence of psychopaths)?

I suspect love cannot be confined to a single definition. It’s unfortunate that we use one term to encapsulate such a multifaceted array of emotions.

Love is intricate; it can evolve and shift in nature. You may leave critical comments, but I sincerely wish the ideal of everlasting love would be dismantled sooner rather than later.

People endure immense suffering due to the belief that love must adhere to a singular form.

This mindset can dismantle families and inflict psychological harm on children. In efforts to maintain a family devoid of love or respect, individuals often end up erasing any goodness that could have been salvaged.

What if we all recognized that having multiple partners throughout life is entirely natural? We evolve. Our values and perspectives shift. Therefore, it makes sense to connect with someone new during different life phases. Yet, people often choose obsession over acceptance, transforming their experiences into trauma.

I acknowledge that this is a radical perspective, but if we accept the transient nature of love, we may alleviate the pain associated with divorce, even for children caught in the middle.

In such a scenario, the institution of marriage might lose its relevance, leading to a significant transformation within society. Currently, humanity suffers unnecessarily because it refuses to embrace the truth of its own nature.

Do you agree?

The first video, "Anne Wilson - Sunday Sermons (Official Music Video)," beautifully encapsulates the themes of love and introspection, resonating with the complexities discussed.

The second video, "Find Your People" | Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors | Official Lyric Video, complements the exploration of connection and relationships, offering a lyrical perspective on finding one's place in love.