The Contrast in Perception

It’s intriguing that many people who are generally confident in various aspects of life often struggle with this particular self-perception. Imagine if our reactions to our own images were as harsh; social media would look very different, and selfies might just vanish from our feeds! Most of us enjoy our selfies—at least until they start speaking.

This aversion to our own voices can be traced back to both physiological and psychological factors. To put it simply, our discomfort stems from how we perceive sound, both physically and mentally. As physician Neel Bhatt explains, there are distinct differences in how we perceive sounds that we hear versus those we produce ourselves:

When you listen to a recording, your voice travels through the air into your ears, known as “air conduction.” This process involves the vibration of the eardrum and small bones in the ear, ultimately sending signals to the brain.

In contrast, when you speak, the sound travels to your inner ear in a different manner. While some of the sound is transmitted through air conduction, much of it is conducted through the bones of your skull. This dual process allows you to hear your voice as a combination of external and internal sound, enriching the lower frequencies. -Neel Bhatt in Big Think

To summarize, when you speak, you experience a blend of sounds from the air and vibrations through your bones, making your voice feel fuller and warmer. This creates a perception of a richer sound—imagine how Morgan Freeman hears his own voice! However, the people around you hear only the sound traveling through the air, leading to a perception that may feel “tinny” or high-pitched compared to your internal experience.

The Psychological Dimension

This discrepancy can be quite shocking, revealing just how accustomed we are to our own auditory experiences. On a deeper level, our voices are integral to our identities. The way we speak and the sounds we produce contribute significantly to how we perceive ourselves. When we realize that we’ve been mishearing ourselves, it can feel as if the ground beneath us is shifting.

Moreover, the discomfort of hearing our voice may also relate to the “extra-linguistic” information it conveys—subtle cues about our emotional state. This phenomenon, referred to as “voice confrontation,” can lead to a defensive reaction when we recognize feelings we didn't mean to express.

As Holzman and Rousey articulate:

The disruption and defensive experience are a response to a sudden confrontation with expressive qualities in the voice which the subject had not intended to express and which … [s]he was not aware [s]he had expressed.

This means that when we listen to our recorded voices, we might become acutely aware of emotions we were trying to mask during the initial speaking. This can create a sense of discomfort as we confront these unintentional revelations about ourselves.

In essence, our aversion to our own voices can be traced back to how much they reveal about us!

A Personal Journey to Acceptance

For me, my relationship with my voice has evolved. In my younger years, I would physically block my ears or leave the room to avoid hearing myself speak. It felt torturous. Looking back, I realize that my discomfort stemmed from the “extra-linguistic” signals I was inadvertently conveying. I didn’t dislike the sound itself; I was uncomfortable with what my voice revealed about me.

As a closeted gay teenager, the fear of revealing too much was ever-present. When I heard my voice, all I could hear was a loud signal of my identity—a fear that others would perceive me as overly feminine or outside societal norms. This fear made me want to hide from my voice.

Years later, after embracing my true self, I found peace with my voice. It wasn’t until I came out that I could listen to recordings without flinching. My voice no longer felt like a secret that I was terrified of exposing; it simply became a reflection of who I am.

Claim your voice, whether you hear it through the air or through the vibrations in your bones, and embrace what it conveys. Those who truly care will always listen.

Explore tips on overcoming the discomfort of hearing your own singing voice and learn to appreciate it with Dr. Dan.

Discover why many people dislike the sound of their own voice and find effective ways to change that perception.