Chapter 1: The INFJ Personality

The INFJ, often referred to as the Advocate, is characterized by traits such as being introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging. According to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), INFJs:

• Seek meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and possessions.
• Strive to understand the motivations of others, demonstrating deep insights.
• Are conscientious, adhering to their core values.
• Possess a clear vision for contributing to the common good.
• Are organized and decisive in their endeavors.

Despite their many admirable qualities, INFJs sometimes face criticism for a behavior known as the "door slam." This term refers to a sudden withdrawal or termination of a relationship, reminiscent of ghosting. For those on the receiving end, it can feel abrupt and shocking.

When we INFJs make the decision to slam the door, it often follows a period of exhaustion or emotional overwhelm. While it may appear to others as a sudden cut-off, we have typically signaled this shift long before it happens. The other party may not recognize these signs until it’s too late.

Section 1.1: What Leads to a Door Slam

The door slam usually occurs after an INFJ has poured their energy into a relationship without reciprocation. When pushed to their limit, INFJs can emotionally and sometimes physically disconnect. This detachment might seem sudden to those who have taken the INFJ for granted, but it is far from impulsive.

For instance, I first recognized my own door slam during the process of my divorce. After years of attempting to salvage the relationship while feeling alone in my efforts, I reached a point of indifference. In that moment, I felt a wave of positive emotions dissipate, leading to a complete disconnection. My then-spouse likely viewed my ability to walk away as a sudden change, but for me, it was a long-awaited release. I realized I was fighting for something I no longer desired.

Subsection 1.1.1: The Emotional Impact

Chapter 2: The Aftermath of a Door Slam

The loudest complaints about the door slam often come from those who have been unresponsive to earlier signals. They frequently ignore the signs that preceded the slam, neglecting to acknowledge times when they were asked to engage more actively in the relationship. Instead, their focus shifts to the pain of the slam itself, disregarding their role in the relationship’s decline.

This refusal to take responsibility contributes to the ongoing issue. When one party fails to invest in a relationship, it’s natural for the other to feel victimized once it ends. The abruptness of the door slam can feel like an injustice, yet many fail to see the numerous missed chances to address issues before it reached that point.

The door slam isn't a terminal closure; it can be reopened, but it requires significant effort from both individuals. However, those who typically find themselves on the receiving end of a slam often lack the willingness to engage in that necessary work. Instead, they prefer to lament the consequences rather than confront their role in the relationship’s deterioration.

Ultimately, the INFJ door slam carries a stigma, not because it is inherently wrong, but because it challenges the notion that one must endure discomfort for the sake of others. Those left behind may feel abandoned, yet they often neglect their own part in the relationship’s unraveling.

The emotional fallout from a door slam is not a personal attack; rather, it signifies a realization and a necessary decision to move forward. Even if the door is closed gently, it can still feel like a harsh slam to someone who took the INFJ's presence for granted.

They say when one door closes, another opens. For the INFJ, this closing is purposeful, guiding them toward relationships that value mutual investment. As we leave behind those that fail to reciprocate, we hope that the message resonates: it’s time to improve next time.