The Realities of Soulmates: What Love Truly Entails
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Understanding the Myth of Soulmates
What if Francesca chose to leave her family and elope with Robert Kincaid? This question lingered with me long after watching “The Bridges of Madison County,” a poignant film from the mid-1960s. The narrative revolves around Francesca, a middle-aged Italian war bride, who becomes infatuated with Robert, a worldly photographer from National Geographic.
Based on a bestselling novel by Robert James Waller, the story unfolds as Francesca and Robert engage in a passionate four-day affair while her husband and children are away at the state fair. Ultimately, Robert urges Francesca to abandon her family and join him. Although she packs her bags, she ultimately chooses to remain with her loving husband and children.
This choice reflects a conflict between duty and the allure of adventure. If Francesca had decided to leave, I believe that the fairy tale would soon shatter. Guilt would likely linger, casting a shadow over their relationship, and they would eventually uncover each other's imperfections.
The problem with romantic novels and Hollywood portrayals is that they often reinforce the misleading notion of soulmates and the idea of love at first sight. We long to believe in these idealized tales, but when we attempt to recreate them in our lives, the outcomes can often disappoint.
Is Our Friendship Growing?
Many perceive love at first sight as a profound connection, but what it often signifies is merely an intense physical attraction or a fleeting infatuation. In youth, when hormones and dreams are at their peak, physical attraction can sweep us off our feet. Even as we mature, we may find ourselves drawn to appearances and charm over deeper qualities.
During my time in law enforcement, I witnessed numerous marriages crumble due to impulsive affairs and momentary attractions. Couples, years past the excitement of their honeymoon phase, may feel disillusioned. Perhaps he has developed a beer belly, or she is facing the challenges of menopause, while financial burdens loom large. This isn’t the idealized "happily ever after," is it?
“Every fairy tale seems to conclude with the phrase ‘happily ever after.’ Yet, every couple I have known would agree that marriage is not always filled with happiness. There are joyful moments, undoubtedly, but they require significant effort, and those who believe that their troubles will vanish upon marriage should seek a more pragmatic perspective.”
— Catherine Gilbert Murdock, Princess Ben
Nurturing Relationships
Healthy relationships demand attention, sacrifice, and effort, particularly after the initial flames of passion fade and routine life sets in. An article from The Atlantic emphasizes that:
“Striving for perpetual passionate love is not only unrealistic but may not even lead to happiness. The most fulfilling and lasting relationships evolve from passionate love to companionate love, which, while still containing passion, is fundamentally rooted in deep friendship. As your romance matures, instead of questioning if the passion remains as strong, consider whether your friendship is deepening.”
Companionate love is characterized by profound affection and intimacy rather than merely emotional excitement.
The most content couples I encounter understand that it's about creating moments together rather than chasing an elusive fairy tale ending. Whether it’s sharing a quiet morning coffee or exchanging knowing glances during family gatherings, these small instances foster a sense of companionship and tranquility.
Of course, life brings challenges—aging will change appearances, and financial stresses will arise. However, those in healthy relationships recognize the value of having each other, built on a shared history that nurtures contentment and peace.
The Pursuit of Perfect Love
In the second chapter of Susan Cain’s insightful book, Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole, she addresses our yearning for "perfect" and unconditional love. In a seminar led by the Swiss-born philosopher Alain de Botton, he shares:
“We must acknowledge that no partner can understand every aspect of us or share all our preferences. We can only hope for a percentage of compatibility. Let’s put an end to the naive belief in soulmates.”
Some individuals believe they are incomplete without their soulmate, yet the truth is that a relationship should enhance your life, not define it. A supportive partner can aid in personal growth, but one is inherently whole on their own.
Cain quotes de Botton, stating:
“The fantasy of the missing half often prevents us from valuing the partners we do have, as we tend to compare their imperfections to the idealized images we create in our minds.”
Discovering Lasting Love
True love often emerges long after the initial excitement fades. It reveals itself in quiet moments, like holding hands during recovery or reassuring each other through life’s changes. Although Hollywood perpetuates the soulmate myth, the pursuit of such an ideal can lead to disillusionment.
“And they lived happily ever after (except for a few typical disagreements, misunderstandings, and unexpected challenges).” — Jean Ferris, Twice Upon a Marigold
In The Bridges of Madison County, Francesca ultimately understands that the fantasy of those four perfect days cannot sustain a real relationship. The thrill would eventually wane, and she would face the heartache of leaving her family behind.
While some relationships are indeed unhealthy and need to end, many individuals abandon fulfilling partnerships for an unattainable ideal. With patience and dedication, many relationships can evolve into something deeply rewarding.
“This isn’t simply a fairy tale ending; it’s something far richer.” — Kiera Cass, The One
Seek a partner who embodies kindness. Encourage their best qualities while also offering the best of yourself. Focus on listening, forgiving, being patient, and embracing joy in the small moments. By doing so, you can cultivate a profound and fulfilling life together.
Before you go
The first video titled "You don't find your soulmate. Here are 5 ways to forge a soulmate relationship" explores practical insights into building deeper connections beyond the fairy tale narrative.
The second video titled "7 Simple Steps To Attracting Your SOULMATE (It's Not What You Think!)" provides actionable advice for fostering genuine relationships without falling into the trap of unrealistic expectations.
I’m John P. Weiss. I create cartoons, capture moments through photography, and write reflective essays about life. Check out my Saturday Letters for more insights.