Chapter 1: Understanding Narcissistic Abuse

Is it feasible to develop narcissistic traits after enduring narcissistic abuse? In this chapter, we delve into Anne's experience, who feels she’s mirroring her narcissistic ex.

In our new column, #AskSumit, I invite you to share your stories and questions, allowing us to learn from each other's experiences. One such story comes from Anne (name changed), a 34-year-old who recently left a relationship with a classic narcissist. Although she feels liberated, she’s concerned about adopting behaviors akin to her former partner.

Here’s Anne’s account:

"Hi Sumit,

I regularly follow your articles and have gained valuable insights from them. I truly appreciate your work.

I was in a toxic relationship with a narcissist for a year. What started as a perfect romance quickly spiraled into chaos. Each time I attempted to assert myself, I was either love-bombed, fed empty promises, or subjected to the silent treatment. This pattern of abuse was relentless.

Your article, 'I Know Why You Are Still in a Relationship With a Narcissist,' inspired me to break free from this toxic cycle. After moving out, I felt an immense sense of relief. However, I recently found myself behaving like my ex. I’ve noticed a newfound selfishness in me and a troubling willingness to hurt others. I was unkind to a close friend who supported me during my struggles, which is uncharacteristic of me.

This incident has made me question whether I’m becoming narcissistic or if I've unconsciously absorbed traits that I despised.

Is it possible to 'catch' narcissism? I don’t want to become toxic or bitter. I wish to erase all memories of him and ensure my future is free from any remnants of that relationship.

I would appreciate your guidance on this matter.

Regards,

Anne — St. Louis, IL"

In response to Anne, I acknowledge her concerns and recognize that many share similar doubts about the impact of narcissistic abuse on their behavior.

Behavioral shifts can occur at both conscious and subconscious levels. It’s natural for individuals to be influenced by their environment, adopting traits that seem effective for self-protection. When subjected to narcissistic abuse, victims may begin to perceive the manipulative behaviors of their abuser as viable coping mechanisms.

This phenomenon can lead to a temporary adoption of narcissistic traits, often referred to as a "narcissistic hangover." However, these traits do not define one's core identity.

You may exhibit narcissistic behaviors, but this does not make you a narcissist. Your inherent personality will ultimately prevail, dispelling these unwanted traits.

Key characteristics of narcissism include a lack of empathy and profound insecurity. Victims often experience insecurity after such abuse, feeling constantly threatened. This insecurity may prompt behavior reminiscent of narcissism; however, empathy usually prevails, as it did in your case. You recognized your hurtful words to your friend and sought to rectify the situation—a fundamental distinction between you and a true narcissist.

I encourage you to practice mindfulness and give yourself the necessary time to heal. As you embark on this self-improvement journey, your self-esteem and trust will gradually rebuild.

Rest assured, you are not destined to become a narcissist. Your capacity for empathy will remain intact.

Prioritize self-love and self-care, and you will emerge stronger.

If you ever seek guidance, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Wishing you a beautiful healing journey.

Regards,

Sumit Maurya

Anne's concerns resonate with many who have faced similar challenges. If you have your own questions or experiences to share, please contact me at [email protected]. Together, let’s create a supportive community for healing and growth.

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