Chapter 1: The Path to Forgiveness

Navigating the complexities of family dynamics can be challenging, but the journey towards forgiveness is essential for emotional well-being. After grappling with anger and resentment, I reached a point of forgiving both my parents and myself.

"When I hurt you, I truly apologize. I recognize you are adults now," my father said during a phone call. We were discussing his ongoing tendency to treat me like a child, despite my being in my late twenties. I had sent my parents a heartfelt letter expressing gratitude while also addressing some of the strains in our relationship.

"I feel fortunate to have loving parents who have dedicated themselves to providing for me and ensuring my safety. Not many parents would go the extra mile to enroll their children in prep schools, weekend language classes, and college preparatory programs. However, I believe our relationship has its challenges due to misunderstandings and unclear communication. I hope we can develop a more adult-to-adult relationship through better understanding and communication. This implies respecting each other's autonomy, decisions, and perspectives without trying to change one another. I understand it may be hard for you to view me as an adult, but I am indeed capable of making my own choices."

After reading my letter, my father called me. "Even at sixty, my own mother still treats me like a child," he reminded me. I responded, "I understand, but please try to treat me with the respect I deserve!"

He agreed to make an effort. Such open conversations are rare for us, so I was grateful that we addressed the state of our relationship that day. It felt liberating to be acknowledged, and it was a relief to receive a response that didn’t dismiss my feelings. Even with my father's apology, I spent the following years unpacking the impacts of my childhood trauma. It took me three years to arrive at a place of forgiveness. This was no easy feat, and I still grapple with anger towards my parents over past grievances, but I recognized that forgiveness was crucial for my emotional progress.

Holding onto anger can sometimes serve as a subconscious tether to parents, but this connection is often unhealthy. Adult children may cling to grudges, waiting for apologies for unmet needs from childhood. Such resentment keeps them in a state of woundedness, stunting their growth into fully realized adults. To foster true healing and happiness, it's vital for children to process their anger and extend forgiveness to their parents and themselves.

For their part, most parents genuinely love their children and strive to do their best within their limitations. If a parent fails to meet a child’s needs in their formative years, it often reflects their own shortcomings rather than a lack of love. Confronting parents about past mistakes is rarely well-received, and many will struggle to acknowledge their faults. Hearing the extent of their children's pain can be agonizing for parents, as they cannot change the past.

"We cannot control who brings us into this world. We cannot influence how they raise us or force the culture to be accommodating. However, the good news is that we can reclaim our lives after experiencing trauma. Like our bodies, we grow and heal, even when faced with adversity. If we realize that the work is to persist in our efforts, we can become both fierce and at peace." — Clarissa Pinkola Estés

During our conversations, I often saw my father tear up as he recounted his family's struggles in Vietnam, including the humiliation he faced selling shoes on the street. My father witnessed his own father’s desperation, borrowing money to buy school books, and the lengths he went to keep his sons from being drafted into the Vietnam War. This background profoundly impacted my father and shaped his parenting style.

"I would appreciate it if, in the future, you could try to understand my perspective and support my choices. If I need your advice, I will ask for it. I value your insights, but I prefer not to be commanded or reprimanded. In return, I will respect your choices, even if I don't understand them. I know you show your love by taking care of me, but please know that I appreciate your concern, even if I don’t always express it."

As I navigated the tensions in my relationship with my parents, my therapist helped me reframe their actions. Rather than viewing them as attempts to undermine my autonomy, I learned to see them as expressions of their love and concern. They were simply trying to ensure my comfort, even if their methods sometimes felt clumsy or intrusive. My therapist called their behavior "paperbarks," suggesting that their bark is often worse than their bite.

She encouraged me to recognize the ways my parents cared for me that I had previously taken for granted. "You have worked hard to give me a fulfilling childhood, from family trips and board games to teaching me essential life skills like managing finances," I wrote in my letter to them. I remembered times when I was too tired to walk and asked my father to carry me, even as he struggled to keep me aloft.

With my therapist's guidance, I penned my letter to my parents, requesting they treat me as an adult. This was a significant step in asserting my identity apart from my family's tumultuous environment, marking the beginning of my journey towards self-definition. It required adjustment on both sides. I understood that discomfort would arise when my parents didn't approve of my choices and that they too would feel uneasy as I stood firm in my decisions.

I was striving to balance my own needs while maintaining familial connections. Although it was challenging to engage with my parents, I was determined not to sever ties. Listening to their opinions didn't necessitate compliance with their wishes. Resisting the urge to revert to old patterns of behavior was essential for my growth. My therapist reassured me that making my own choices was a significant step toward self-discipline.

While my relationship with my parents remains imperfect, I have witnessed substantial improvements over the years. I have shared more about my life and accepted their support when appropriate. I have learned about their painful past in Vietnam by asking them direct questions. My newfound patience in our interactions has contributed to calmer conversations, and my compassion for them has deepened as I reflect on their experiences as immigrants.

Despite my forgiveness of both my parents and myself, I recognize the need for distance. Their unresolved trauma still affects our relationship; they continue to argue and express anxiety. Their inability to accept my gestures of kindness, such as treating them to dinner or gifting them quality items, often leads to complaints about wasting money. I have come to terms with their nature and the fact that they may not change. This negative energy can be detrimental to my well-being, so establishing healthy boundaries is crucial.

How will I know when I have fully forgiven my parents? As Clarissa Pinkola Estés suggests, I will feel sorrow over my circumstances rather than rage, and empathy for my parents will replace my anger. Ultimately, I will reach a point where there is nothing left to say about past grievances. I concluded my letter with, "I am open to discussing this with you over the phone, and I hope for a better relationship among us. With love, Jenn."

The first video explores the process of forgiving parents, offering insights into emotional healing and understanding one's upbringing.

The second video features Joyce Meyer discussing the rewards of forgiveness, emphasizing the importance of letting go of past grievances for personal growth.