Chapter 1: Understanding Polyamory

Recently, during a discussion with an online friend, she remarked, "I feel like I'm innately poly." Many individuals familiar with polyamory probably nodded in agreement, recognizing the truth in her statement. For many of us, it's an inherent understanding that feels indisputable. Conversely, some may shy away from the concept, expressing their preference for monogamy. Though they may respect alternative relationship structures, they remain convinced that monogamy is their destined path, failing to acknowledge it as a cultural construct.

I want to respectfully challenge this perspective. It's commendable that some people choose to accept polyamorous dynamics as valid, and their open-mindedness allows many of us to pursue our preferred lifestyles. However, we must recognize that the capacity to feel attraction for multiple partners is deeply rooted in our biology. This inclination is a fundamental aspect of being human, and despite attempts to suppress it, many find themselves repeatedly drawn to new attractions.

The challenge lies with those who find themselves in a state of ambivalence regarding their relationship orientations. Ethical non-monogamy, which seems to have emerged swiftly in contemporary culture, leaves some individuals feeling uncertain. Many enjoy certain elements of their monogamous relationships but simultaneously feel constricted or bored, a sentiment that resonates with anyone who has navigated the complexities of monogamy.

This essay aims to address those grappling with confusion about their feelings towards monogamy. It’s essential to understand that feeling uncertain is perfectly normal. This internal conflict can provoke feelings of guilt or shame about one’s desires, creating a tumultuous inner dialogue.

This internal struggle can lead to destructive outcomes for everyone involved.

Section 1.1: The Nature of Commitment

We all forge commitments and aspire to honor them, especially to those we cherish. However, our instincts sometimes diverge from our commitments. When our desires conflict with our obligations, it can create distress. I encourage you to consider that the notion of human monogamy is a choice, rather than an inescapable reality. Non-monogamy can be a conscious decision to embrace our authentic selves.

In my current non-monogamous relationship, I practice monogamy by choice, with the understanding that I can explore other options when necessary. Communication about our desires and boundaries is crucial as we navigate the transition from monogamy to non-monogamy. It involves making realistic commitments to each other while remaining honest about our feelings.

Subsection 1.1.1: Personal Reflections on Relationships

Chapter 2: The Cycle of Attraction

Can I encapsulate everyone's experience in a single narrative? I believe I can. No matter how confident one may appear in their polyamorous identity, if we trace their journey back far enough, we often discover that they once experienced the same uncertainties you might feel now. I, too, have walked that path.

In my early relationships, I repeatedly encountered a pattern: initial excitement would fade, leading to feelings of boredom and dissatisfaction. Despite our efforts to "make it work," joy often transformed into frustration. While youthful naivety contributed to these cycles, the underlying issues persisted over time. We often tried to navigate these feelings by blaming one another, resulting in a crisis of conscience when attraction and commitment seemed at odds.

Where individuals go from this point often defines their identity. Some may endure this internal conflict until they seek out new partners, believing that a different relationship will provide the fulfillment they crave.

In the video "What You Need To Know Before Trying Polyamory," the discussion centers on essential insights for those considering a shift to polyamorous relationships, emphasizing the importance of communication and self-discovery.

Additionally, the second video, "Your Relationship IS NOT Polyamorous," explores common misconceptions and challenges faced by those navigating non-monogamous dynamics.

It's exhausting to question whether we made the right choices while feeling trapped by our commitments yet yearning for novelty. If you resonate with these feelings, know that you're not alone. The struggle to balance commitment and desire can be overwhelming, especially in a society that places immense pressure on maintaining ideal relationships.

Chapter 3: The Science Behind Relationships

Monogamy often limits genetic diversity and can lead to a narrow approach to relationships. Research indicates that many species, including humans, exhibit non-monogamous behaviors that enhance genetic variability.

Consider these facts:

• Only 3-5% of mammals are monogamous.
• Birds, often thought to be monogamous, are proven to engage in extra-pair copulations.
• Primate species show only 18% monogamous behavior.
• Human societies are only about 20% monogamous, despite cultural narratives suggesting otherwise.

This raises an important question: Are we perhaps overestimating our monogamous capabilities? The prevalence of infidelity in our society suggests that many struggle with the constraints of monogamy.