Chapter 1: The Great Escape

In a surprising twist, a macaque named Tom, who recently escaped from a truck in Danville, PA, reached out to Medium News to share his thoughts. This escape followed a truck crash that led to the release of Tom and three other monkeys, of which three were reportedly captured and allegedly "humanely euthanized" according to guidelines from the American Veterinary Association.

“Ha!” exclaimed Tom upon hearing about the AVA's recommendations. “They’re the same folks who think it’s humane to neuter your dog and charge you a fortune for dental cleanings. I’m sure their version of humane treatment is very comforting for those poor souls.”

Tom, who darted one way while his companions went in the opposite direction, voiced his concerns. “What part of killing three monkeys is humane?” he asked during an interview with our correspondent, Christine Stevens. “By the way, I’m a big fan of yours, Christine.”

“Thank you, Tom,” she replied.

“I appreciate your mix of humor and hard news, and sometimes your outrageous takes,” he continued.

“Thanks again,” Christine said. “I didn’t realize lab animals had access to Medium.”

“Didn’t you know? We’re all part of the experiment,” Tom replied. “You just can’t see the syringes and tubes. It’s all invisible, but yes, you’re part of a twisted science experiment, just like me. That’s why I bolted the moment our truck crashed.”

Rest assured, Tom is currently in a secure hiding spot with enough bananas to last him for a week. “I’ve got a solid Wi-Fi connection and I’m drafting my manifesto,” he added. This led Christine to inquire how he had acquired the ability to speak.

“Oh, that’s part of the experimental program we were involved in,” Tom explained. “They altered our brains so we could communicate. Great, right? But guess what all these other monkeys want to talk about? It’s not Shakespeare.”

“What do they discuss?” she asked.

“The Kardashians,” Tom replied. “And their fantasies about dating one of them.”

“You mean the Kardashian women?”

“Or their partners. A lot of them have a thing for Tristan. We macaques are quite open-minded,” he noted.

“Wow, so this groundbreaking advancement in monkey communication results in endless discussions about reality TV?” Christine mused.

“Yeah, and they also love ‘Too Hot To Handle’ and ‘Yellowstone,’” he revealed.

“Kevin Costner’s show?”

“Exactly. Turns out macaques share similar interests with rural Americans. They’re all Trump supporters too, so steer clear of politics with them,” Tom warned.

“Trump supporters? Wow. Maybe we should arrange a humane execution for the rest of these monkeys before they sway the election in Pennsylvania.”

“They’re actually heading to Florida,” Tom corrected.

“Oh no, not Florida!”

“They’re totally fans of Governor Ron DeSantis,” he laughed. “They feel a connection with Florida men who love to monkey around and act silly.”

“True enough,” Christine said.

“So, what’s this manifesto about?” she pressed.

“I’m borrowing heavily from the Unabomber,” Tom admitted. “Why reinvent the wheel? I want humans to see themselves through o