Embracing My Autism Diagnosis: Three Years of Discovery
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Understanding My Autism Journey
As May comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on the third anniversary of my autism diagnosis. It's hard to believe that for 22 years, I navigated life unaware of my neurodivergent identity.
The moment I learned about my place on the autism spectrum was transformative; it reshaped my perspective on my entire existence. The feelings that surged through me during this time were overwhelming—sadness, clarity, wonder, and, most notably, a profound sense of loss.
Grieving What Could Have Been
A significant aspect of discovering one's autism is the grieving process that often unfolds. Initially, I struggled to comprehend this grief, but as I delved deeper into understanding autism and myself, I recognized it for what it truly was: a mourning of missed chances.
If only I had been aware earlier, I could have sought the support I needed and avoided the exhausting act of masking my true self. Unfortunately, being a woman in a world where autism is frequently overlooked only compounded my struggles.
I believe many can relate to this sentiment, regardless of their neurodivergence. If we had access to the right tools and support during our formative years, perhaps we would have endured less hardship and been better equipped to face our challenges.
Understanding the duality of an autism diagnosis brings forth the reality of what we missed and the additional hurdles we would still face, even with this knowledge. Discovering my autism as a child would have provided me with the language and support to express myself, but societal misconceptions about autism remain deeply ingrained.
While it would have been a relief to have a diagnosis earlier, I also recognize that well-meaning individuals can inadvertently inflict harm through their misunderstandings.
The Unfortunate Reality of Autistic Stereotypes
Some may perceive this perspective as overly somber, yet it reflects the truth for many, regardless of when they discovered their autism.
"You don't look autistic." "You can't be autistic; you're a girl." "You're nothing like my five-year-old nephew, who is nonverbal." "You're just high-functioning."
While I am fortunate to have avoided such remarks personally, I have heard numerous stories from those who face these stereotypes daily. My heart goes out to them, and I sincerely hope for a shift in societal attitudes during our lifetimes.
The Wonderful Aspects of Being Autistic
Despite these challenges, my journey of self-discovery as an autistic person has revealed some remarkable aspects of my identity.
Language is Everything
One of the most liberating realizations has been acquiring the language to articulate my feelings and experiences. I can now communicate when I am sensitive to sensory input or on the verge of overstimulation. I can express my need for solitude, inform those around me of my coping mechanisms, and acknowledge when I am no longer able to mask my exhaustion.
Special Interests
I've begun to recognize and articulate my special interests. Initially, I believed they were too obscure to define, but I've learned to embrace my passion for writing. Although it may not be rooted in historical events or research, I possess a wealth of knowledge about writing that exists in my mind. I can analyze and critique articles and books as I read, grasping their intricacies.
Self-Awareness and Personal Growth
My journey has heightened my self-awareness and ignited a desire for self-improvement, a connection many autistic individuals share. Some therapists have even remarked on my elevated self-awareness, unsure of how to assist me.
Throughout my teenage years, I felt that my life would improve if those around me could simply listen to my insights. I often believed I understood others better than they understood themselves, yet I struggled to comprehend my own identity.
There’s Nothing Wrong With Me
In my quest for self-explanation, I initially identified as an introvert in high school. Learning about the Myers-Briggs Typology Indicator led me to the INTJ personality type, but this still left me feeling different and alienated.
When I discovered autism, it was as if the pieces of my identity finally fell into place. I began to understand the inner workings of my mind, why I dislike physical contact, and why I struggle to maintain a facade of happiness when I feel drained. This new understanding has reinforced the importance of language in my life.
Having the right words to express my feelings has profoundly impacted my existence. I no longer view myself as flawed or out of place; I am simply autistic, and I find that to be a remarkable realization.
A Sense of Purpose
In the years following my diagnosis, as I moved past grief and embraced my identity, I discovered a newfound sense of purpose. I felt compelled not only to share my story but also to advocate for autism acceptance.
While I am still navigating what this advocacy will entail, I am eager to play a more active role in promoting understanding of autism. My journey has transformed how I perceive myself and others, leading to greater acceptance of differences and disabilities in all forms.
Final Thoughts
Reflecting on the past three years, I have gained invaluable insights into autism, neurodivergence, and the world around me. This journey has made me a more compassionate and fulfilled person. It is knowledge I wish to share with others, in hopes of fostering a better understanding of autism and improving the world.
If discovering my place on the autism spectrum can positively impact my life, I believe it has the potential to do the same for others.
The first video, "12 Signs of Autism in 3-year-olds," offers valuable insights into the early indicators of autism, helping parents and caregivers recognize these signs.
The second video, "Navigating a New Autism Diagnosis - Part 3: Help Along the Journey," provides guidance for families facing a recent autism diagnosis, emphasizing the importance of support and resources.
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